They Were Awfully Tight Pants
by Lost in the Forest
Summary: "Why Hello, Mr. Tight Pants!" Drunken fun at the Three Broomsticks turns into an awkward situation (how could it not?) CHAPTER FOUR(!) UP!!
1. In the beginning!

Author Notes: Mmmmm...... tight pants......  
  
Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's. Only the tight pants are mine.  
  
  
  
They Were Awfully Tight Pants  
  
  
  
Ginny Weasely, Parvati Patil, and Lavender Brown were gathered close around a table in the Three Broomsticks, gossiping on all the latest word. Hermione Granger had left the group to get another round of butterbeers, as their current pitcher was dry.  
  
"Oh, get a look at tall, dark, and handsome ordering at the bar!" Ginny pointed out said tall, dark, and handsome while Parvati and Lavender finished off their latest glasses of butterbeer. If it were possible to be drunk on the stuff, they would be. Meanwhile, they were merely slightly tipsy.  
  
"Why hello, Mr. Tight Pants!" Lavender said and giggled drunkenly.  
  
"I didn't know they made jeans that tight!" Parvati said after looking the man up and down. The pants were, indeed, tight. Very tight. I-bet-he'll- limp-when-he-walks-tomorrow tight. Above the pants (though none of the girl's eyes reached that high) the man wore a simple dress shirt, though not tucked in (there was no possible way they could be). His body was trim and supple. The word 'sinewy' could be applied in full accuracy to him. Wild black hair dusted the top of his strong but lean shoulders.  
  
"I didn't know they made men that tight." Ginny pointed out.  
  
"I think they're painted on." Hermione observed, seeing the man shift his weight back and forth between his feet.  
  
"I envy the girl who got to paint them on." All the girls raised and tapped their glasses together in a toast, after which Lavender downed her sixth glass-full, and Parvati downed her eighth. Parvati seemed to be handling her butterbeer better than Lavender, who was constantly giggling and even swaying a bit to the music.  
  
"Oooo!" Lavender declared, as she always did when she is drunk and gets a thought she believes is ingenious. "I dare one of you to go up there and hit on him!" Hermione snatched her glass away from her.  
  
"I'm not letting you drink any more." She declared.  
  
"Well, I'm not doing it," Ginny said "I have not yet perfected the subtle art of hitting on a man while _not_ drooling at his rock-hard body."  
  
"Lavender's too drunk and I, of course, have to look after her. I don't think any of us want a repeat of the Broom Closet Incident, now do we?" Parvati added solemnly. The girls all shook their heads in agreement that another Broom Closet Incident would, indeed, be a bad thing.  
  
"And that leaves." The three girls turned and stared at Hermione.  
  
"What... me?"  
  
"Yeah, you! You'd be great Hermione! You're a born seductress!"  
  
"No, I rather think I'd prefer another Broom Closet Incident."  
  
"Oh, come on Hermione! You're not getting any younger, you know."  
  
"Yeah, and it's not like Ron and Harry are getting any older, if you catch my meaning." Hermione sighed at Ginny's remark because she knew exactly what she meant. Quidditch was still the most important thing in the boy's life and, short of gluing snitches to her body and flying nude on a broomstick around the playing field, Hermione had tried everything to get their attention. She was having no luck.  
  
"Yeah! Come on, Hermione! Don't be a prude!" Parvati nudged Hermione toward the man.  
  
"I am not a prude!" Hermione insisted, outraged at the idea. Virgin; yes. Untouched; yes. Only ever kissed before; yes. Prude; no.  
  
The other girls exchanged a significant look, all knowing they had their foothold.  
  
"You are such a prude, Hermione! But I mean that in the nicest way," said Parvati, patting Hermione on the back like a child.  
  
"Yeah, some girls are laid-back and some girls aren't. It's nothing to be ashamed of!" Ginny said in the best we're-saying-it's-okay-but-it's-not- really-you-freaky-prude voice she could manage. She was amazed at how well it came off.  
  
"Do it! Do it! Do it now! Do it!" Lavender chanted. Hermione downed her current glass of butterbeer in own gulp (very dangerous, I don't recommend it), and now having enough talk about her prudishness and just enough butterbeer, stood up and brushed off her casual clothes.  
  
"Fine!" was all she said, though one might say they could hear her mumbling about peer pressure and the effects of butterbeer as she tried to gracefully and coolly approach the conveniently vacated seat next to the man.  
  
"Is this seat taken?" She said in a honey-sweet, sexy-deep voice.  
  
"No, it's not." He said coldly. He didn't turn to face her, but there was something unsettlingly familiar about his voice. He turned his head in the opposite direction, obviously trying to ignore her. She nervously glanced back at the girls at the table, who all shook their heads in disappointment. She strengthened her resolve and tried to continue her non- existent conversation.  
  
"Do you realize just how tight your pants are?"  
  
"Why don't you just ask me what my sign is?" He said in sarcastic and annoyed voice.  
  
(Oh my god) Hermione thought and gasped in horror. (Oh my god it's-)  
  
Just at this moment the man in the super-tight pants turned to face the object of his anger.  
  
"Why don't you just-" Their eyes met, Hermione's wide with shock, the man's scowling in an equal amount of shock.  
  
"Miss Granger, what are you doing here in Hogsmead during a school week?" was all the man could muster to say. (Very scary) he told himself.  
  
"It isn't- I'm not- he- you- you-" (You're panicking! Don't panic!) "They- they- we were- we were... and she-" Pronouns won't save you now! Hermione franticly looked over at her table of friends, who were, respectively, sitting in horror, laughing drunkenly, and encouraging Hermione to keep going, regardless of just who the man was.  
  
"Well?" Hermione, knowing that if she opened her mouth to say anything, the only thing that would come out was more pronouns, possibly in French now that she'd said all the English ones. Instead, she did the only sensible thing to do; she ran double speed by the table, grabbed her coat and was out the door before Hermes himself could stop her.  
  
(They were awfully tight pants.) She thought to herself as her friends caught up behind her.  
  
And one other thing was certain in her mind; Potions class would never be the same.  
  
  
  
A/N: Oh, come on! Who didn't see that coming? "Why Hello, Mr. Tight Pants" XDDDDD!!!!! LOVE THAT LINE!  
  
Anyway, this story is, once again, dedicated to Eddie and Cole. Why? Dedicated to Cole for the comment "My, those are some tight pants." And Eddie for wearing said tight pants. (Cole, honestly, why do you think we wonder if you're gay?) Also the whole "Broom Closet Incident" (and the 'born seductress' line too) is a pointless reference to the play I'm working on for Theater Arts class. ^_________^ It's hilarious. Cole, Eddie, AND I all play parts (among others). I might post it sometime ^_^  
  
References can also be found for: "Friends" and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". ^_^ cookies if you can tell me what they are ^.-  
  
Also dedicated to HowHow ^_^;;; I KNOW this isn't Her/G femslash, but I'll get around to that too! ^_^; writing ficlets is just so much easier.  
  
^_^ And if you liked this AT ALL I highly suggest my other stories, namely "The Most Shaggable Teacher in Hogwarts." I've written four HP fanfics so far, and it's still my favorite ^_^  
  
Oh! Almost forgot ^___^ Please review! If you review, there's a chance Mr. Tight Pants will come back! Or maybe even Mr. No Pants ^.- Mr. Just Boxers is MINE though.... ^___^ *snuggles Mr. Just Boxers*  
  
  
  
Much lovin'  
  
-Lost in the Forest 


	2. I’ll want to speak to you after class, M...

NOTE: I have been informed that I put Ginny in a 7th year potion class, though she is a 6th year. I apologize. Changes will be made as soon as I figure out how to coherently do so. Thank you.  
  
A/N: mmm... deliciously tight pants on Snape...  
  
mmm..... deliciously tight pants NOT on Snape........ *siiiiiiiigh*  
  
Disclaimer: Why yes, I did write the Harry Potter Series. What? You want my autograph? Why sure! *gives you an autograph* Hey wait... where are you going? No!!! Not the lawyers!! NOT THE LAWYERS!!  
  
Actual Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, items, or places of the Harry Potter universe. Everything Harry Potter and then some belongs to JK Rowling, Warner Brothers, Bloomsbury Publishing Plc and Scholastic Books. Or God, if you think about it. ^.- I should stop saying things like that...  
  
And without further Ado about nothing,  
  
  
  
They Were Awfully Tight Pants:  
  
The Continuation.  
  
"Roads are only a suggestion, Marge. Like pants!" -Homer J. Simpson.  
  
  
  
Ginny, Parvati, and Lavender stood at the corner of the hallway waiting for Hermione to enter the classroom. She had been early to class, as she always is, but hadn't entered yet.  
  
"If she waits any longer, we'll all be late!" Ginny exclaimed, exasperated.  
  
In fact, she had been standing out there delaying her entrance for more than 4 minutes.  
  
"Oh, she has to enter sometime! She'd rather face him in class than face a week of him in detention for being late!"  
  
The 'him' she referred to was Mr. Severus Snape. That was the name given to him by his parents, at least. Now he was known as Professor Severus Snape. That was what the students and staff called him to his face, at least. Ah, but last night he and his deliciously tight little friends were known by only one title- Mr. Tight Pants.  
  
"Yeah, but we'll be sharing that detention with her!"  
  
And now Hermione was facing the unthinkable act of having a whole class with him, after very unsuccessfully hitting on him.  
  
"So? I think watching her squirm is quite worth it!" Lavender said joyfully.  
  
But the one thing none of the girls could figure out was just what he was doing at the Three Broomsticks, leaning gently upon the counter, waiting for Rosmerta to serve him his drink.  
  
(Start Flashback Scene.)  
  
"I wonder what he was drinking." Parvati wondered meditatively. Lavender was passed out in the bathroom. Her friends had thoughtfully rolled her on her side with in arms length of the toilet and left. Parvati had already drunk one cup of Butterbeer from the Gryffindor stash once they got back to the common room and showed no signs of slowing down.  
  
Hermione was frantic.  
  
"I can't believe I hit on Snape! On SNAPE!"  
  
"I bet he drinks scotch. Or whisky," Parvati continued.  
  
"I came onto Snape! The greasiest, slimiest, snakiest, snarkiest bastard ever to roam the halls of Hogwarts!"  
  
"Or brandy. Something hard."  
  
"Yeah, something hard. Like Snape's chest." Ginny giggled at the thought of it.  
  
"You two aren't even listening! I tried to... to seduce Snape! Snape, of all people!"  
  
"He keeps in good shape. I bet he has all sorts of work-out equipment in his room," Ginny speculated.  
  
"His chambers. He probably calls it his 'chambers'."  
  
"I can't believe you guys! Why, oh why did I let you talk me into do that!" Ginny sighed and focused on the problem at hand. She put an arm around Hermione's shoulders.  
  
"Don't worry, Hermione. I'm sure he won't think anything of it."  
  
"He was probably to drunk on brandy and too lightheaded from his pants cutting off the circulation to his brain to remember it anyway," Parvati pointed out, while pouring her another glass of Butterbeer. Hermione buried herself under the pillows of her bed and squelched a scream against them. Parvati drank the Butterbeer she had poured for Hermione and sighed.  
  
(End Flashback Scene)  
  
Hermione inhaled deeply. She paused. She exhaled slowly. She paused.  
  
(This isn't getting you anywhere. Go inside. Just do it.)  
  
She still wasn't moving.  
  
(Just go in and sit down. Don't look at him. Don't look up.)  
  
She took another deep breath. She straightened her spine and looked forward.  
  
(You can do it!)  
  
She pushed the door to the classroom open. And stopped in the entryway.  
  
(Oh, don't stop now. People can see you now! You're just standing in the doorway!)  
  
People could indeed see her now, and were indeed looking.  
  
She continued through the door and made it to her seat without stopping again. The three other girls followed her moments later.  
  
"We're proud of you!" Ginny said as Hermione busied herself unpacking her materials for class.  
  
"Why?" She asked as she neatly lined up her quills next to her parchment. "I haven't done anything to be proud of."  
  
"Oh, don't be modest! We're proud that you faced your fear and came to class today."  
  
"I figured you'd just fake sick and hide in the medical wing." Hermione cringed. (I wish I'd thought of that. I denounce my title as 'The Smart One.') "You've got more guts than I do," Parvati continued.  
  
"Why would I be afraid to come here? I have no fear of Potions. It's easy." She pulled out her textbook and neatly positioned the edges of it and her parchment parallel with the table.  
  
"It's not Potions you have a fear of," said Lavender.  
  
"Nope, it's Snape and the Amazing Hypertight Dream Pants!" Ginny said cheerfully.  
  
"I'm not afraid of Snape!"  
  
"You just re-counted your quills for the third time. And you only have two quills!"  
  
"Then why haven't you looked up from your equipment since you can in?" Lavender asked.  
  
"Afraid to get a glance of his equipment?" Ginny snickered.  
  
"I think we all got a good enough look last night!" Lavender and Ginny collapsed with giggles until an ominous shadow fell upon them, like death come to collect his dues.  
  
"What, may I ask, is so funny Miss Brown and Miss Weasely?"  
  
"Nothing, Professor Snape," was Miss Weasely's meek answer.  
  
"Then if there is nothing funny then there is nothing for you two to be laughing so distractingly about, is there?" Both nodded. "Good." He turned to return to his lesson, but paused and turned to Hermione instead.  
  
"Miss Granger, I'll want to speak to you after class." The class turned to look at her questioningly, but she had buried her head in her Potions book and muffled another scream. It was becoming a habit.  
  
The girls gathered together to continue their conversation while Snape launched into an explanation of the use of armadillo bile in an Attention Honing Potion, a potion that would be extremely useful for him at the moment.  
  
"You know, if you cut the right words out of his sentence, he secret says that he wants you," said Ginny.  
  
"He probably just wants to punish you. _Punish_ you." Lavender winked and nudged Hermione in the ribs.  
  
"I always knew he was an S&M freak. He has that dominant air about him."  
  
"I bet he uses Filch's whips and chains," Lavender pondered.  
  
"Oh, what does he want from me? He's going to give me so many detentions! I skipped out and went to Hogsmead against the rules. I tried to hit on him. I checked out his body in pants!"  
  
"Tight pants!" Ginny exclaimed.  
  
"Don't worry, Hermione," Parvati said comfortingly. "It's not like he's going to invite you over for a game of nude co-ed Twister. He'll probably just intimidate you, pile detentions on you, and let you go!"  
  
"Thank you, thank you, I feel much better now." Snape sent a glare their way but didn't stop his rant on the use of lizard blood in a Re-growth Potion. The girls returned to their seats and anxiously awaited the end of the class period.  
  
(I am going to die.)  
  
  
  
A/N: Of _COURSE_ I'll be writing more ^_^; I just wanted to break this up. I didn't know how long it would be on the website (and have the short- attention span that I do, I couldn't make it too long.)  
  
Oh, and she's not actually going to die. She's exaggerating. Seriously.  
  
And for future reference, we'll say they're in their 6/7th year (respectively). So if anything happens between Snape and Hermione, which I'm not saying will happen!!!, it's all legal. She'll be 18. Or something... whatever, that doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. Oh, and did anyone notice how it use to be in the Humor/Parody category, but now it's in the Humor/Romance category? If that ain't foreshadowing, I don't know what is! ^___-  
  
As always, dedicated to Eddie and Cole.  
  
My deepest apologies to HowHow. I know this is still not femslash. ^_^;;  
  
Much thanks to both Cassandra (http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=277438) and Werecat99 (http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=5808) because, believe it or not, I hadn't even THOUGHT about writing about the next Potions class. I KNEW there was a really obvious option for continuance, but I honestly could not think of what it was! ^_^;;;  
  
And, as always, time for my personal favorite quote of the story- A tie between "Yeah, something hard. Like Snape's chest." "It's Snape and the Amazing Hypertight Dream Pants!" Mmmmm... bishies with hard chests and Amazing hypertight dream pants..... *giggle*passes out*  
  
Ficlet: REVIEW ME! *flashes its "chapters" (hey, it has two of them ^.-)*  
  
Much Lovin'  
  
-Lost in the Forest 


	3. And after class

NOTE: No, I still have not figured out how to successfully take Ginny out of their Potions class, so bear with me. If it bugs you too much, just pretend that she's a 6th year that's REALLY advanced at Potions, hence got to take it with the 7th year. If it still bugs you then screw you, fix it yourself. Thank you.

Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's. Only the tight pants are mine, so, JK, if you want me to lose the pants and just keep Snape as is, I'll be _very happy to oblige. Very happy indeed ^.-_

**They Were Awfully Tight Pants**

Hermione waited nervously at her seat while all the other students piled out of the door, relieved that class was over and happy to be out the door. Hermione was neither relieved nor happy, but, then, that's to be expected.

Her friends, ever faithful, had each given her a pat on the back and a comforting word, and then rushed out the door just like the rest of the class.

(What if he really is a masochist?) She couldn't help but think. (What if he loves watching me squirm, obviously in pain and fear? What if he gives me a detention, and I have to clean the blood off his whips and chains? Or the pants! He could make me clean his super tight pants! For the love of God, no!)

She made her way down to his desk, where he impatiently waited.

"You wanted to talk to me, Professor Snape?"

And outside, her loving friends were gathered around the door to Snape's dungeon, ears pressed against it to hear the conversation.

"Is it just me, or is that 'Professor' starting to sound like a term of affection?"

"Shh!" Lavender said, and nudged Parvati in the ribs. "I don't want to miss anything."

The three paused and listened intensely.

"I don't hear anything!" Ginny whispered after a full minute has passed with the three of them pressed up against the door. 

"Maybe he put a Silencing Spell so we couldn't listen in?"

"But I didn't hear him cast anything!" Parvati objected.

"Perhaps they're just whispering?"

They were all wrong, though, for neither of them had said anything. Nothing at all. Snape just sat at his desk, glaring at Hermione.

(He's trying to get me to break. To tell him everything. It won't work. I'm strong. I can take his glare. I've done it before.) She paused and thought about this. (Oh, wait. No I haven't.) She tried to keep her gaze neutral and she stared back into Snape's eyes. (Don't break first. Maybe if you out stare him, he'll tell you why he was there. Why he was wearing such cruelly tight pants. What drink he was ordering. Whether he was wearing boxers or briefs.) She paused in her thoughts. (Ew! Why do I want to know that? No, wait, I don't want to know that!)

(She'll crack. They always do. She'll crack. I'm not the one with a class to get to. And she always has to be early. Always. She'll crack.)

(I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I was wrong! It will work! I'm sweating! My eyes are dry! My legs are going to collapse!)

(She's cracking. She's cracking. Any minute now. Any minute now.)

"ALL RIGHT! I did it!!! I hit on you! I tried to seduce you with my feminine wiles!! I was tipsy and out of school and trying to hit on a guy packed into the tightest pants ever to lean sexily against The Three Broomsticks counter!!!"

Snape only raised on eyebrow for a questioning look.

"Stop that! Stop looking at me like that! Stop undressing me with your eyes; I'm not the kind of girl to sleep with you just to get good grades! And even if I did, you wouldn't give me good grades!!"

Snape raised his other eyebrow for a full-blown look of surprise.

"Not that I would sleep with you in the first place! I don't want to, no matter how sexy your body looked in those tight, tight pants! Just how did you get into those anyway? And out? You had to have had help! Were you waiting for someone at the bar to help you get out of the pants? Like a date! Or a lover? Professor Snape, it was a school night!"

Snape slammed his hands down on the table and stood up.

"Stop talking, you silly, insolent girl."

"I can't! I can't stop talking! You've broken the dam and the water's not going to stop! I cheated on a spelling test in 3rd grade! I stole that mean-boy-who-sat-next-to-me-in-5th-grade-English's favorite pencil!" Admissions came, like confessions to a priest, forth faster and heavier as she entered the Hogwarts Years, ending with "and I checked out your body at The Three Broomsticks! I did it all! Punish me, you insane sadomasochist! Break out the whips and chains and leather masks! I can take it!" Finally, the silly, insolent girl welded her hands over her mouth and stopped the absurd flow of admissions. Snape sat back into his chair and leaned back, finally and utterly shocked.

"Miss Granger, I assure you I am not a masochist of any type."

"Oh, that is such an obvious lie!" Parvati said, accompanied by an eye-roll.

"Oh, _reeeally_." Ginny said and superiorly crossed her arms. "_Just_ because Snape is an evil bastard, and a Slytherin, and a Death Eater, and a sadomasochist, does _not_ mean he's a crack addict." She paused a moment to think about what she said for once. "Wait, I mean... No, no, that's right."

"Guys, _hush_! I _swear I just heard Snape say he wanted Hermione!"_

"... want you to be here at 7:30 _sharp_ for your detention." Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. "And thirty points from Gryffindor for you and your friends'," he sneered and gestured to the door, "gross dismissal of Hogwarts rules. We're going to be extracting pus from Bubotubors plants. And don't forget to..."

_"...bring some protection."_ Parvati snickered.

"You know, taken out of context, that's insanely obscene."

"Then I guess it's a good thing we heard the whole conversation," Ginny pointed out.

"Besides, if anyone is supposed to provide the protection, it should be Snape." The two girls turned to look at Lavender. "You know, for the Bubotubors!" The girls looked unconvinced. "Honestly, I'm not as perverse as _some people." She glared Parvati. "You can't assume everything I say is perverted!"_

"Ohhh, _Broom_ Closet, eh?" Parvati did a fair imitation of Lavender's giggly laugh. "I do so _love Quidditch, with all those hot guys __riiiding the brooms, positively _groping_ around the air for a ball, gripping the handles so... __suggestively." A squeal-giggle hybrid erupted from Parvati's mouth. "I hope that's a _broom_ grinding into my hip!" Lavender crossed her arms and looked positively offended._

"Well, taken out of context it's _insanely_ obscene."

"Yeah, but even _in_ context it was insanely obscene." Ginny pointed out.

At this very moment, Hermione opened the door curtly, and with visibly controlled anger, thus thankfully ending the conversation before it could degenerate into further impressions.

"So, do you want to borrow some of _my_ protection?" Parvati said suggestively, having recovered quickly. "I mean my dragonhide gloves!" She said defensively to the glares that met her.

"We're going to be late, and I _refuse_ to get two detentions in one day."

"Maybe you'll get lucky and you can have a detention with Professor Lupin, too." Lavender said, knowing her friends' weaknesses for the newly-reinstated teacher. ('He's a _fox_!' Parvati had exclaimed. Milk came out of Hermione's nose as she stopped herself from laughing.)

"Being bad never felt so good."

A/N: EEP and I'm sorry that this is coming out so late! ^_^; I got stuck in the middle and was going to re-write it, but I got attached! What can I say? *shrugs* I was too busy working on my other, newest story 'Secrets Scar'! Not a comedy, but, hey, neither is life. I'm actually almost holding a race between this story and Secrets Scar to see who gets the most reviews XD It's currently SS- 27, TWATP- 28. Woo, go comedy!

Many many many many MANY Thanks to everyone who reviewed! ^_^ It's so encouraging (er, but I guess not encouraging enough since this is coming out so much later than the previous chapter -_-;; my apologies again ^_^; )

All the threats against my health if I don't write more are also very appreciated XD ^_____^

More soon..... er...... well..... More whenever I can muster up the strength to try and be funny ^_^; it happens sometimes, but it is verra hard to harness. *rides outta the room on her wild humor* Yeehaw!

~Lost in the Forest


	4. Why we don't use Bubotubors in Herbology

**A/N: YAY! Finally, an update! Spring Break's almost over, but I'll try my hardest to come out with another chapter in the next week, 'kay? ^_^ Alright!**

**They Were Awfully Tight Pants**

Hermione stood outside the door to the Potions classroom and reflected on how she always seems to get into these situations.

Interestingly enough, Snape was sitting in his room staring at the chest containing the Bubotubors plants that are to be the entertaining subject of today's detention, wondering who he managed to get into these situations.

He had tried his hardest to dump this on Filch, but he insisted that he could take no detentions tonight. He had... plans.

(Start Flashback Scene)

"He's going to try to get Filch to take the detention for him!" Parvati exclaimed.

"What? How do you know?" asked Lavender. Parvati held up her crystal ball and smiled a wicked smile.

"Divination? Oh, Hermione would be horrified." Ginny scolded, though obviously amused.

"But we have to stop him!" Parvati pleaded, pulling her friends back on the scheming track which she rode.

"What can we do?"

"We have to make Filch busy tonight." She started to pace, thinking intently on her goal. "But how?"

(End Flashback Scene)

(Plans,) Snape thought fiercely. (Plans! I don't care if he has plans with the bloody Queen of Wizarding England; he's supposed to do his job! Now I'm going to be stuck in this classroom with these Bubotubors plants and that girl.) He thought furiously. (What had he said they were? Oh, right...)

(Start Flashback Scene)

"Plans? Bullocks to plans!"

"I'm not going to discuss my personal life with you!" He, that is, Filch, had his hair slicked back and was wearing his best suit, that is, rags.

"You bloody well are!" Filch checked his reflection in a cracked mirror ('probably broke when he looked into it' Snape though), made sure he had nothing in his teeth, and ignored Snape. 

"Plans!" He muttered to himself, "I could have plans!"

"Eh? Could you, then?" Filch peered up from the mirror and looked incredulously at Snape.

"Yes! I bloody well could!" Filch snorted to himself.

"And what plans are those? Touring strip clubs with Albus and Minerva? Ha!"

Snape had stopped chaperoning their trips when the two had decided to go Do-It-Yourself strip club. No matter what he claimed, the only 'good sides' Albus Dumbledore has are on his personality.

When Snape remained as tight-lipped as ever, Filch continued.

"I'll have you know that I happen to have a date."

"A date?!" Snape screeched in complete and total disbelief, not only at Filch having relations, but that now he was officially the only single staff member, male, female, or ghost, on the payroll.

"Oh yes. A nice lady from some tiny town in England. Very proper, I've been told." He straightened out his tie and sifted through his drawers for something.

"A blind date, Filch?" Snape asked, showing only limited interest. But before Filch could answer, he triumphantly held a pair of socks covered with little cats.

"They're my lucky socks," he said as way of explanation.

"I am disgusted."

"Problem solved!" Parvati said, triumphantly waving about a copy of Witch's Weekly.

"Already? You're a fast one, girl."

"I had help." She bowed graciously to Lavender, her partner in crime and driver of the get-away car. She waved Parvati's gentlemanly gesture away with a swipe of one refined and exaggerated hand.

"No, no, really, it was all you my lady! I merely provided the means." Parvati twitched her finger to and fro in embellished scolding.

"Ah, but you seem to forget that the ends justify the means!" Lavender tossed her hair back and stuck her nose into the air as though she were the Queen of England, wizarding or not.

"I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean!"

"So, what's got him entertained this evening?" Ginny asked with an overstress rolling of the eye.

"We set him up on a date!" Lavender exclaimed, giving Ginny a release from snob-Lavender to, even worse, over-excited-teen-aged-girl-Lavender.

"A date?" Ginny questioned with obvious quizzical withdrawal. 

"A date! We sent him a letter setting him up on a blind date for tonight!"

"Please tell me you actually _did set up a blind date, and that he's not going to show up with flowers and sit for three hours, wondering where his mystery woman is?"_

"Of course not!" Parvati looked ridiculously outraged. "We're only that mean to our close, personal friends." She winked at Ginny, because who knows who her next victim will be.

"No, we searched through the Witch's Weekly Personal Ads, and we found one asking for..." Lavender paused and found the ad, circled in red ink. "Asking for 'a cat-enthusiast to share some cat-nip tea with'." She and Parvati shared a jealous 'awe!' at the ever-romantic ad.

"So, who IS Filch's mystery woman?" Ginny inquired.

"Oh, I'm not sure." Parvati searched through the paper. "Her name's Pears or Figgs or something like that."

(End Flashback Scene)

And so, we join Hermione as she tentatively pushed open the door to her awaiting doom.

"Miss Granger."

"Professor." (Don't think about leather pants. Don't think about leather pants. Don't think about leather pants.)

Snape stood from his desk, causing his oft-used and rusty chair to release a rustling squeak, sounding almost exactly like the sound a man where leather pants makes when he stands up. Although, that could have just been Hermione's imagination. Though, I doubt it. (Probably bewitched it to sound like that, the sick masochist bastard.)

"Please, fetch a chair and join me. I assume you brought your own protection." She nodded and pulled out her gloves. (Why can't he call them Dragonhide Gloves? Protection is just so... suggestive.) 

He peered down at her, waiting patiently for something that apparently wasn't coming. (He's trying to get you to confess some more. But the jokes on him! I don't have anything more TO confess!) Her thoughts froze for a moment. (Wait! I haven't told him about that dream where he, Draco, and I are locked in the broom closet!) Before she could stop herself, her mouth opened, much to her horror.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" (You!) She thought, though for once thankful that he cut her off. "Put your gloves on, quickly now." 

"Yes, let's get this over with as swiftly as possible." He curled his lips into his normal, devilish grin.

"Now, now Granger. You mustn't be hasty if you want the job done," ever the verbal showman, he paused for effect, "_properly_." (Circe's wonder bra, this man could make Al Gore's obituary sound like erotica.)

And, back in the comfortable, Gryffindor common room two girls gathered around a black scrying mirror, while Ginny contented herself with doing her Arithmacy homework.

"Are you sure you don't want a piece of this action, Gin?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure there's lots of racy stuff happening." She rolled her eyes. "I, unlike some people," she glared at the two giggling Gryffindors, "don't want to horn," Parvati snickered "in on my friend's detention. It's not like anything salacious is going to happen, anyways."

"Oh, _Salacious! Don't we feel smart!" Parvati nudged Lavender and they turned back to the mirror._

Snape snapped open the locks off the chest and allowed a look at the plant that resided inside. Hermione suddenly understood why they never... handled this plant in Herbology before.

It was shaped as a carrot, or cucumber or something else... er... shaped like... a... a--uh...

And back at the common room, Lavender and Parvati were having trouble breathing between fits of rolling laughter.

Snape either didn't notice or refused to acknowledge Hermione's face, which at the sight of the plants turn as bright red as Ron's head.

('Plants' is just spelt too close to 'Pants' for my tastes.)

He pulled the plant out of the box and set it on the table before him.

"Tonight I'm going to teach you to properly massage the fluid out of a Bubotubors. This skill will no doubt serve you well through out your life."

"Yeah, I bet the motions can be taken from this lesson and applied to other areas of interest!"

"And Snape, being so lonely, has probably perfected the touch!"

"Yes sir, I've never... er... cared for a Bubotubors plant before."

"First, let's work on your grip. It's similar to holding a wand, or a broom handle..."

"_Mount your brooms and hold on tightly. I don't want any of you slipping off the ends!"_

"I doubt Snape has a whole lot to slip of off, if you get my drift."

"Yeah, I guess we'll just have to ask Hermione when she gets back!"

"You have an excellent grip, Miss Granger. Perhaps that is why you are so... proficient with your wand." (A compliment? From... from Snape? Alright, who is this man and what has he done with our Potions professor? And how much to keep the real one gone?)

"Thank you sir."

"Now, once you have a good grip on the plant, you must stimulate in order for the plant to emit the pus we need. Follow my example."

"Oh my god, he's..."

"...will stimulate the dormant magic that resides in it."

"Similar to some plant's seemingly sentient responses?"

"Precisely. I'm glad you noticed. The Bubotubors plant response to the touch..."

"...of vivacious young virgins such as yourself."

"Now you try it." He handed her the plant. "That's right, just like that. You have an outstanding technique." 

"Well, Ron and Harry aren't her best-friends for nothing."

"Parvati!" Ginny looked mortified at he friend's shocking, sordid remark.

"Oh, _that you object to, but _Snape_ gets off scot-free with all those obscene gestures?" She shook her head in calm disgust. "What a sick world we live in."_

And then a noise distracted her, and they were once again drawn into the delightful detention.

"Oh! Oh!" Hermione squealed delightedly. Snape smiled his calm, sneering smile down on her. "It's coming out! The pus is coming out!"

"She is so lucky that Bubotubors' pus is yellow, not white."

Snape sighed contentedly. "Nicely done, Miss Granger. You are excused."

"What? No 'was it good for you too, Hermione?'"

"He should at least give her a fair well cigarette!"

"You two know that she'll probably be upset when she sees that you were spying on her, and that you have about two minutes until she arrives, right?"

"Oh no! You're right!" Parvati exclaimed in genuine hastiness. "We only have two minutes to think up as many jokes mocking Hermione as we can! I usually have so much more time to prepare!" Ginny rolled her eyes and gathered her homework up.

"Twenty bucks says you unwittingly use Bubotubors pus as toothpaste tomorrow morning."

A/N: Whoa, whoa, oh my. Just writing that was an experience.

I must admit, I had to edit a whole lot this chapter. If you're a perverse masochist like I am, and you want to read the unadulterated, perverted version of this, feel free to e-mail me at lost_in_the_forest@hotmail.com or AIM me at lost onna no ko.

You know, Parvati is my type of gal. It's about time we have a perverted character like her in Potterverse, am I right?

One thousand eight hundred and forty two THANKS to everyone who reviewed! Your reviews seriously crack me up more than any story on ff.net :D Keep up the good work! ^.-

~Lost in the Forest


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